I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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