I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
