His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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