Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
