please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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