Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
