I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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