the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
