I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
