Pants 0. Shit 1.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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