Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
