I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
