My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
