T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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