she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
