awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
