I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
