goodnight i made you a song goodbye
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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