I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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