I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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