Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This toilet bowl is my home.
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