apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
