my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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