I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I will be naked everywhere
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
