Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
