it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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