I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
