just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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