I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
