upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
wow bdsm is so cute
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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