plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
