I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
