why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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