I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
