Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
