my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
