I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
