You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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