Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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