Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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