Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
