I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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