This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
