Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
