Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
