apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
