Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
