Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
