Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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