oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
