so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
